Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

The transition between child to teenager is simple. You stop carrying around your dolls and start following boys around. But what about the transition between teenager to adult? That takes a bit longer. 

Or does it?

I woke up one morning to cinder blocked walls & a hangover in a room the size of a bathroom with a girl I didn't know who will be my roommate in college, blinked, and now I am a 24 year old woman beginning her own business limiting myself to a glass of wine, once every 6 months to avoid a headache & limit my calorie intake.

I am a proud woman, but I don't "feel" like a woman. (all the time)

Que Britney Spears: "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman" please.

http://fittyblog.wordpress.com/tag/not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman/

It could be that I can still pass as a sophomore... in high school. It could be that my voice sounds like a girl who still plays with Polly Pockets (are those still around?!). I may not know exactly what it is that makes me feel like a girl sometimes, but is that a bad thing? To some, yes it is. I believe my looks could hold me back from jobs and being taken serious. I was in a meeting last week and when a woman found out I owned my own business she asked how old I was. When I told her my age, she said she thought I was younger and was taken back that I owned my own business. Can looks make you feel more like a girl and less than a woman? My fashion has changed dramatically since my teenage years, does that make me a woman? 

Trying on wedding dresses on Sunday, I looked at myself and thought- WOW, I look like a child bride. One day I will enjoy looking younger, but can your look affect the way you feel about your womanhood?

I grew up and am still very much a "daddy's little girl". I don't care how old I am, I will always be called that and it will always remain being true.  You don't hear people say "daddy's little woman" because, well, that is just weird. And creepy. But does that make me still a girl? No. At least I don't think so.

So at what point do you turn from being a girl to a woman? For Britney Spears in Crossroads it wasn't at 18 years old, graduating high school and traveling to LA and becoming a singer after a terrible reunion with her real mom and hooking up with a really good guy. 

If that doesn't sound like a grown-up thing to do, I don't know what does.

Being a WOMAN, strong, independent, a feminism seems like the social norm. What you should be and if you are not, then you are living life all wrong. But what if I just don't feel like a woman SOMETIMES. Is it okay to SOMETIMES feel like a girl? Not wanting to grow up some days but others ready to take on the world. Can that be acceptable?

I can hardly believe I am the only one with this question and this struggle. Some women out there may not realize they have a hard time deciphering between girl and woman status but I am here to tell you, in my opinion, that that is OK. You can be a girl & a woman (for now, at least)

I am 24.. that is it. I am not dead yet. I may own my own business and my own home, but there are days and times that I like to jam out to Taylor Swift, read People Magazine, watch an old episode of Laguna Beach, and think about ordering that crop top from Hollister. 

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman and I am okay with that. 

Exercise Works, Go Figure

Call a town meeting- exercising actually WORKS!

In June 2013 I was introduced to MyFitnessPal by my sister-in-law. I began counting calories, and now in August 2014 I am down 29.2lbs. 

Now, let me tell you- I could probably be down 50lbs if I had been doing what I've been doing the past 2 months: 

EXERCISING!

                                                                               instagram.com/___trace

I have always been one who was fit, played every sport growing up, was always the "athlete" in the family. I could eat Taco Bell for lunch and dinner 5 days a week and never really gain much because I was working out 5 days a week. I also was never the size 00. I hit a size 6 the end of my freshmen year and stayed there until about age 19. But I was healthy and fit. 

I did not gain the freshmen 15 in college, I gained the sophomore 46. I gained 46lbs in what seemed like overnight. My size 6 jeans went to a size 12 and no one seemed to tell me, "Hey Tracy, you've gained a little weight put down the mac & cheese bites!"

In June 2013, I was ready to start dating. I took it upon myself to start losing weight by counting calories, exercising maybe 1 or 2 times a week, and just watching what I ate. I instantly lost 10lbs. I swear by counting calories even though a lot of health experts out there say DON'T DO IT! Why not? I may be a little crazy with it, making sure I do not go over, but it is not hurting me. I am eating the correct amount of calories I should for my height and weight, what is wrong with that?

I got engaged in December 2013, but it wasn't until June 2014 when I started really exercising. Pilates, the gym 3 times a week, etc. Then in July 2014 I started running 6 days a week. The pounds just started falling off. I just bought my first pair of size 6 pants since 2009. Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Sometimes, like right now, I feel as if I am stuck. I have been stuck on this one number for 3 weeks now, but you cannot listen to the scale. On top of working out 5-6 days a week now, I also weight lift. Adding muscle doesn't mean losing weight. I am now only 17lbs away from my goal weight.

I went from eating the correct amount of calories and working out 1-2 times a week to eating the correct amount of calories to working out 5-6 days a week. EXERCISE WORKS. If you are wondering why you are not losing weight, ask yourself: Are you ACTUALLY exercising? Eating healthy will get you part way, but exercising will help you get there faster. I have more energy, and when I choose to eat grapes or watermelon for a snack instead of potato chips, I am much more satisfied in the end. 

(HINT: DON'T BUY JUNK FOOD) 

Nathan and I DO NOT have ANY junk food in our home. I check the calories in the snacks we do buy and I allow myself one dessert a week, like a bowl of ice cream. If we are having a sweet tooth, we buy cereal like Fruit Loops, Honey Bunches of Oats, or Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and will have a bowl or two a week of that for dessert as well. I do not cut out my favorite foods. I still eat pasta and pizza, just not every other day. I no longer eat fried chicken, it is all grilled. Little changes like this will change everything, I promise. 

                                                               instagram.com/___trace

Stop making excuses. My excuse was " I have a hypo-active thyroid that won't let me lose weight." Okay, so that may be true, but I am working my ass off to overcome that little hiccup. 

No, I am not doing this for my wedding. That goal does help, but I started this way before I knew I was getting married. I am doing this for ME. I LOVE clothes shopping now, I am not trying to hide myself. Fitted clothes make me look so much better than the baggy shirts and pants I was purchasing. Nathan fell in love with me 20lbs heavier than now, I am not doing this for him either. This is for me & me only. 

Do this for you, too. 

 I wish back in June 2013 I would have started exercising as much as I am today because I would be down to my goal weight by now, but at least I am doing it now. Don't delay, just start TODAY. Experts say it takes 15-17 consecutive days to get use to something. Download the free app MyFitnessPal or get a FitBit (I have had mine for 2 weeks now & love it!) and start today. Do not give up. If you miss one day, don't worry- just remember to start back up. You will always have "tomorrow", but each day you work out and eat healthy, you are one more day closer to your goal.

What is your goal?

Black is the new black.

Orange  black is the new black.

You cannot deny the beauty of black everything. 

Black has always been "my color", "my look". Friends would be shopping and use the statement, "Oh, this looks like Tracy." And it would be a black shirt, pant, shoe, bag, parka, etc.

This is truly the fashion statement of the forever. It will never be out of fashion, not a trend. People say those who are afraid to wear color are dull and boring.

 I say we are the fiercest and boldest of them all. 

                                      cosmopolitan.com

Now I am not saying that if you walk into my closet (and by closet I mean the spare bedroom I converted into a giant walk in closet) you will not see color, because you will. But you will notice on my nice, neat, and color coordinated clothes rack, that "black" seems to take up a good portion. I found my fashion niche, and it is black.

Emma Watson, Jennifer Aniston, and Megan Fox are amongst three celebs that rock the "black is the new black". They are better known for rocking black on the red carpet. I love you Giuliana Rancic, I do, but if I hear you say, "Playing it safe by wearing a black (fill in the designer name here)." I will scream. How is that playing it safe? Black may be slimming (only 1/10th reason why I love it, swear) but that is one's style and they are sticking to it. 

                                       magazine.foxnews.com

                                                                                                           

I applaud them. 

(Can I also have lunch with them & jet off to Cabo for a girls getaway?)

Independent Women Part I

Que Destiny's Child & Independent Women Part I.

I turned down an amazing job this morning to go out on my own. 

What?

True Story.

This morning I was offered an amazing opportunity with a great PR firm and I decided YOLO over good benefits.. Does that make me crazy? Probably. Some of you are probably just going on to the next blog thinking this lady is crazy and going no where in her life, others might be happy thinking, "Great! More jobs out there for me!", and the rest of you probably are thinking, "YOU GO GIRL!" (yes I am talking to you, feminists: high five)!

My last blog I talked about doing what I love to do, so why not just keep doing that? I mean c'mon, I can't turn into a hypocrite within four days of my last post!

I've decided to take my talents to, well, I am not sure yet. Whoever will have me? Starting up your own company is scary, that is for sure! You really have to start asking yourself some serious questions like:

1. What is the company name going to be?!
2. How cute-sy do I make my business cards?
3. O-M-G I TOTALLY need a WHOLE NEW WARDROBE! One that screams I mean business, but that totally does NOT need dry-cleaned.

Okay, so those may not be the most "serious" questions, but I would be lying if I said those questions did not pop into my head!

Building a clientele is going to be tough, but that is where your drive, faith, and patience comes into play. You have to believe you can do it in order to do it. It will not happen over night (man, I wish it would though) and that is something you must keep telling yourself.

I have two clients right now- not too shabby of a start and I am ready to keep climbing!

Public Relations, Social Media, and Event Planning are three things that will never be going anywhere. You usually hire people to do those three things to get your business out there for the community to see and know who you are. In my case, I am that company that helps other companies get recognized. Do I hire a company to help me?

Kidding.

When I was up for the job, my fiance was extremely supportive, even though it was in a city in which we would have to relocate. When I told him I am thinking about not taking it and starting up my own company, he was extremely supportive.

I cannot express enough how important it is to have that support group when making such large life decisions. If the support is not there, it is tough to believe in yourself and continue. 

So thank you, my love. xo

This life choice I made could end in two ways: 

1. I could succeed.
2. I could fail.

It is a scary world out there in all aspects, but I am ready to face it head on. My father started two businesses of his own when he was my age, and they are still going strong. I guess you could say the "entrepreneurship" runs deep. Let's just hope the whole "running the businesses that work" runs deep, too.

It's Monday Morning- Rejoice!

Are Monday mornings all that bad? Not when you love what you do!

Now-a-days, I live for Monday mornings. 

I know that sounds crazy, but I thoroughly enjoy what I do. Life is too damn short not to, especially when your job is 40+ hours a week of your life!

                                       Instagram: ___trace

Starting off your work week with doing something you enjoy, like drinking a cup of green tea & reading a few articles from Elle, can change your mood for the whole day (take it from me!) 

Monday's are not to be feared!

You are young at no matter what age. Stop what you are doing (if you hate it) and find your passion. Working with social media & communications, I come in to work, even on Monday's, ready to start the work week & excited! I quit my job that was making me miserable and am making a career out of my passion. Writing, blogging, social media, communications. 

It. Can. Be. Done.

Taking what you love to do and making it a career you love can be done. You just have to have patience and time. Time may be money, but patience takes time. So does that make patience money, too? Yes.

Remember when you were playing with your Polly Pockets and you made them have careers, what was that career? You know deep down that that was always the job you wanted and it was your dream to shrink down to Polly's size and be Polly. Don't give up on that dream. Become your 1990's Polly Pocket! 

Okay, that may be a weird way of putting it, but I know you know what I mean!

Life is short. Travel, dream, do. 

But it is just cancer.

My dad has cancer.

It is the scariest thing in the world to say it out loud, or in this case, type it for the whole world to see.

I was awoken this morning from a dream that I was dying. I knew it was coming and all of a sudden, in my dream, I was saying good bye to my mother while my fiance was holding me. I literally felt my heart beating out of my chest and I was woken by shortness of breath and the beating of my own heart. It was the scariest thing in the world.

How does it feel being one to live with cancer? Knowing you have something growing inside of you that can kill you? 

Cancer sucks. Cancer does not play fair. It is a bully and hurts people.

 It sucks.

When I received the text message from my mom saying my father had to go in to the doctor for tests because he may have cancer, I was on the Arc Trainer at the North Canton YMCA and just started crying. The guy on the stair master next to me just looked at me probably thinking, "C'mon, you may be a little overweight but it cannot be that hard. I just climbed 70 flights of stairs. Wuss."

Since then, since the diagnoses, I have not cried.

If you know me (like my best friend Tara, who cries at Grey's Anatomy and commercials) I am the opposite. I do not cry. I do not like to cry. This happened after getting my heart ripped out of my chest from an ex-boyfriend. I cried for three months straight and now believe I do not have a tear left in me. But my father has cancer. Why can't I cry about that?

Before I fall asleep at night I think, "What if he dies tomorrow?" He wouldn't be here to walk me down the aisle or fix the leak in my basement. Selfish thoughts, like always, Tracy. He is my hero and my favorite person in the world. I see him at least three days a week. He is my best friend and this isn't fair. Cancer, you are not playing fair.

The worst part of this all? It makes me want to question my faith to God. I know, God, that he is one of the best ones you have, but you need him down here longer. Please. 

People say that the type of cancer he has is not that serious and he will die of old age before the cancer kills him. I hate every time I hear someone say this to me. Cancer is cancer is cancer. It spreads, it takes over, it kills. 

I live my life in fear a lot due to the many losses I have gone through in a short 24 years. Two ex-boyfriends, grandparents, a best friend... But cancer is a new one. 

But it is just cancer. 

I am not the one who has "just cancer" yet I feel like I do. It does not just eat away at the one who beholds it, but their loved ones. How needy can you get, cancer ? 

I may not know what it feels like to have cancer in me, growing, not playing fair, but I know how it feels to know someone who I love the most have it. 

Stop playing unfair, cancer. 

You don't get to win this time. 

Happily Ever After?

He asked permission. He picked out the perfect ring. He got down on one knee. I said yes!

This is the "american dream" for most women. The perfect proposal to the perfect man. The day you get engaged is the BEST day of your life (until you get married), at least it is suppose to be.

I got engaged on December 24, 2013 to the man of my dreams. Yet, when I was the happiest I could be, others were not. We did not receive the joy and the love and the excitement from everyone and it really put a damper on our evening. We tried staying positive because we were both very much in love and very excited to begin this new journey together, but very caught off guard on the fact that loved ones and friends were not as excited for us as one ought to be... why?

I look back at that day 6 months later and a part of me still feels sad. Here is a day that I have been waiting for for 24 years, the day that I feel like a princess, and an hour into our engagement, I feel hurt. 

Sometimes it amazes me that people cannot just be happy for other people. Put other people's feelings first. The reward when you do that is astronomical. It makes you feel so great. So why do not more people do this?

I got my happily ever after and in less than a year we will be married and on that day I refuse to let anyone get me down.

 Planning a wedding is stress enough!!

We are getting to the age where we are getting engaged and married off and even starting to have children of our own (scary)! We are doing grown up things, so why not act like grown ups?

I am not one to judge of ones relationship (anymore). I see how fast my relationship with the fiance has moved and it has made me into a true believer of "when you know, you know." So shouldn't "you know" when to shut your mouth and just smile? High five? Text "yay"? Post "Congratulations."? 

We live in a world where so many people are trying to prove that they "want to make the change happen" and they want peace and happiness and equality and joy and any thing else the hippies in the '50s fought for and that is great. I want the same things. But if you want to be that change, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE. Before you start quoting Michael Jackson, you've got to prove to yourself that you can change.

December 24, 2013 will still go down in my book as the best night of my life. I will not let others take that away from me. 

I've got my happily ever after :)