But it is just cancer.

My dad has cancer.

It is the scariest thing in the world to say it out loud, or in this case, type it for the whole world to see.

I was awoken this morning from a dream that I was dying. I knew it was coming and all of a sudden, in my dream, I was saying good bye to my mother while my fiance was holding me. I literally felt my heart beating out of my chest and I was woken by shortness of breath and the beating of my own heart. It was the scariest thing in the world.

How does it feel being one to live with cancer? Knowing you have something growing inside of you that can kill you? 

Cancer sucks. Cancer does not play fair. It is a bully and hurts people.

 It sucks.

When I received the text message from my mom saying my father had to go in to the doctor for tests because he may have cancer, I was on the Arc Trainer at the North Canton YMCA and just started crying. The guy on the stair master next to me just looked at me probably thinking, "C'mon, you may be a little overweight but it cannot be that hard. I just climbed 70 flights of stairs. Wuss."

Since then, since the diagnoses, I have not cried.

If you know me (like my best friend Tara, who cries at Grey's Anatomy and commercials) I am the opposite. I do not cry. I do not like to cry. This happened after getting my heart ripped out of my chest from an ex-boyfriend. I cried for three months straight and now believe I do not have a tear left in me. But my father has cancer. Why can't I cry about that?

Before I fall asleep at night I think, "What if he dies tomorrow?" He wouldn't be here to walk me down the aisle or fix the leak in my basement. Selfish thoughts, like always, Tracy. He is my hero and my favorite person in the world. I see him at least three days a week. He is my best friend and this isn't fair. Cancer, you are not playing fair.

The worst part of this all? It makes me want to question my faith to God. I know, God, that he is one of the best ones you have, but you need him down here longer. Please. 

People say that the type of cancer he has is not that serious and he will die of old age before the cancer kills him. I hate every time I hear someone say this to me. Cancer is cancer is cancer. It spreads, it takes over, it kills. 

I live my life in fear a lot due to the many losses I have gone through in a short 24 years. Two ex-boyfriends, grandparents, a best friend... But cancer is a new one. 

But it is just cancer. 

I am not the one who has "just cancer" yet I feel like I do. It does not just eat away at the one who beholds it, but their loved ones. How needy can you get, cancer ? 

I may not know what it feels like to have cancer in me, growing, not playing fair, but I know how it feels to know someone who I love the most have it. 

Stop playing unfair, cancer. 

You don't get to win this time. 

Happily Ever After?

He asked permission. He picked out the perfect ring. He got down on one knee. I said yes!

This is the "american dream" for most women. The perfect proposal to the perfect man. The day you get engaged is the BEST day of your life (until you get married), at least it is suppose to be.

I got engaged on December 24, 2013 to the man of my dreams. Yet, when I was the happiest I could be, others were not. We did not receive the joy and the love and the excitement from everyone and it really put a damper on our evening. We tried staying positive because we were both very much in love and very excited to begin this new journey together, but very caught off guard on the fact that loved ones and friends were not as excited for us as one ought to be... why?

I look back at that day 6 months later and a part of me still feels sad. Here is a day that I have been waiting for for 24 years, the day that I feel like a princess, and an hour into our engagement, I feel hurt. 

Sometimes it amazes me that people cannot just be happy for other people. Put other people's feelings first. The reward when you do that is astronomical. It makes you feel so great. So why do not more people do this?

I got my happily ever after and in less than a year we will be married and on that day I refuse to let anyone get me down.

 Planning a wedding is stress enough!!

We are getting to the age where we are getting engaged and married off and even starting to have children of our own (scary)! We are doing grown up things, so why not act like grown ups?

I am not one to judge of ones relationship (anymore). I see how fast my relationship with the fiance has moved and it has made me into a true believer of "when you know, you know." So shouldn't "you know" when to shut your mouth and just smile? High five? Text "yay"? Post "Congratulations."? 

We live in a world where so many people are trying to prove that they "want to make the change happen" and they want peace and happiness and equality and joy and any thing else the hippies in the '50s fought for and that is great. I want the same things. But if you want to be that change, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE. Before you start quoting Michael Jackson, you've got to prove to yourself that you can change.

December 24, 2013 will still go down in my book as the best night of my life. I will not let others take that away from me. 

I've got my happily ever after :)