But it is just cancer.

My dad has cancer.

It is the scariest thing in the world to say it out loud, or in this case, type it for the whole world to see.

I was awoken this morning from a dream that I was dying. I knew it was coming and all of a sudden, in my dream, I was saying good bye to my mother while my fiance was holding me. I literally felt my heart beating out of my chest and I was woken by shortness of breath and the beating of my own heart. It was the scariest thing in the world.

How does it feel being one to live with cancer? Knowing you have something growing inside of you that can kill you? 

Cancer sucks. Cancer does not play fair. It is a bully and hurts people.

 It sucks.

When I received the text message from my mom saying my father had to go in to the doctor for tests because he may have cancer, I was on the Arc Trainer at the North Canton YMCA and just started crying. The guy on the stair master next to me just looked at me probably thinking, "C'mon, you may be a little overweight but it cannot be that hard. I just climbed 70 flights of stairs. Wuss."

Since then, since the diagnoses, I have not cried.

If you know me (like my best friend Tara, who cries at Grey's Anatomy and commercials) I am the opposite. I do not cry. I do not like to cry. This happened after getting my heart ripped out of my chest from an ex-boyfriend. I cried for three months straight and now believe I do not have a tear left in me. But my father has cancer. Why can't I cry about that?

Before I fall asleep at night I think, "What if he dies tomorrow?" He wouldn't be here to walk me down the aisle or fix the leak in my basement. Selfish thoughts, like always, Tracy. He is my hero and my favorite person in the world. I see him at least three days a week. He is my best friend and this isn't fair. Cancer, you are not playing fair.

The worst part of this all? It makes me want to question my faith to God. I know, God, that he is one of the best ones you have, but you need him down here longer. Please. 

People say that the type of cancer he has is not that serious and he will die of old age before the cancer kills him. I hate every time I hear someone say this to me. Cancer is cancer is cancer. It spreads, it takes over, it kills. 

I live my life in fear a lot due to the many losses I have gone through in a short 24 years. Two ex-boyfriends, grandparents, a best friend... But cancer is a new one. 

But it is just cancer. 

I am not the one who has "just cancer" yet I feel like I do. It does not just eat away at the one who beholds it, but their loved ones. How needy can you get, cancer ? 

I may not know what it feels like to have cancer in me, growing, not playing fair, but I know how it feels to know someone who I love the most have it. 

Stop playing unfair, cancer. 

You don't get to win this time. 

Happily Ever After?

He asked permission. He picked out the perfect ring. He got down on one knee. I said yes!

This is the "american dream" for most women. The perfect proposal to the perfect man. The day you get engaged is the BEST day of your life (until you get married), at least it is suppose to be.

I got engaged on December 24, 2013 to the man of my dreams. Yet, when I was the happiest I could be, others were not. We did not receive the joy and the love and the excitement from everyone and it really put a damper on our evening. We tried staying positive because we were both very much in love and very excited to begin this new journey together, but very caught off guard on the fact that loved ones and friends were not as excited for us as one ought to be... why?

I look back at that day 6 months later and a part of me still feels sad. Here is a day that I have been waiting for for 24 years, the day that I feel like a princess, and an hour into our engagement, I feel hurt. 

Sometimes it amazes me that people cannot just be happy for other people. Put other people's feelings first. The reward when you do that is astronomical. It makes you feel so great. So why do not more people do this?

I got my happily ever after and in less than a year we will be married and on that day I refuse to let anyone get me down.

 Planning a wedding is stress enough!!

We are getting to the age where we are getting engaged and married off and even starting to have children of our own (scary)! We are doing grown up things, so why not act like grown ups?

I am not one to judge of ones relationship (anymore). I see how fast my relationship with the fiance has moved and it has made me into a true believer of "when you know, you know." So shouldn't "you know" when to shut your mouth and just smile? High five? Text "yay"? Post "Congratulations."? 

We live in a world where so many people are trying to prove that they "want to make the change happen" and they want peace and happiness and equality and joy and any thing else the hippies in the '50s fought for and that is great. I want the same things. But if you want to be that change, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE. Before you start quoting Michael Jackson, you've got to prove to yourself that you can change.

December 24, 2013 will still go down in my book as the best night of my life. I will not let others take that away from me. 

I've got my happily ever after :)

Where is all the R-E-S-P-E-C-T? Aretha Franklin, help me out!

Where is all the love RESPECT?!

I am not sure what it was like for you growing up, but I know my mom & dad would ground me if I acted the way some of the kids today do!

I am not saying I never acted out, got in trouble, and I am NOT saying it is only "today's generation" that has this issue.

What I am saying (and I know not everyone will agree) is that the concept of respect starts at home. Whether that is with mom & dad, grandma, uncle Jesse, or the Parker's down the street- you learn respect from those who are raising you.

YOUR.ROLE.MODELS.

Now, the job I have now I chose & I knew what I was getting myself in to, but the amount of disrespect that falls on me in a day is astonishing! One can only yell "stop talking" so many times & get called a "bitch" under one's breath before one starts to invasion what it would be like to…. never mind!

No "thank you's" or "please's". Are those words not in the English Dictionary anymore? Have they been replaced with "selfie" and "instagram"?

I know that this is more of just a rant and a way for me to blow off steam and you may just completely disagree with me, but if you don't, then you must be a teacher as well.

Parents: is it that hard to teach your children discipline and respect at home? I am no parent, so maybe it is the hardest thing in the world to show your child how they should treat not just their superiors, but one another as well.

Maybe it is physically, mentally, and emotionally impossible.

I don't know.

But what I do know is that it was possible in my household growing up. If someone held a door open for me: "Thank you!" If I was trying to get around someone:" Excuse me!" If a teacher asked me to stop talking: "-silence-". And I have my parents to thank for that because without them teaching me how one should act with RESPECT, LOYALTY, and MANORS, I would not be the woman I am today.

I am not putting this completely on the parents either because I know kids can act different around other kids, but I am saying that I BELIEVE it starts at home.

It starts with you. 

I am sure I will offend some people with this blog & to you I am sorry. I know I am not a parent but that does not mean I have NO idea what I am talking about. Show your kids some respect and have them show you some, too. 

Thank you, Marina Keegan

If you have not yet picked up a copy of Marina Keegan's "The Opposite of Loneliness", stop reading this and go do it NOW! 

If you are not sure who Marina Keegan is, google her story. It is sad, inspirational, and sad some more.

But one thing that I just cannot shake-- just how much Marina and I are the same. Not in looks, personality, writing techniques (she went to YALE and had a job at the NY Times. She was freaking FAB!), but in the way that we had a lot of the same thoughts and that she actually wrote them down. She has made me feel like I am not CRAZY! 

Do you sometimes feel like you are the only who thinks this, that, or another thing? Well let me tell you, you are probably NOT (there are other crazy people out there in the world just like YOU!)

Marina's "The Opposite of Loneliness" essay and her Nonfiction writing of "Stability in Motion" hit so close to come to me it is indescribable (but I am going to try anyways).

Marina did not know she was going to get killed five days after her college graduation, so she wrote "The Opposite of Loneliness" like she was going to live forever. She writes about how scared she was not to have the security of her friends like she had at Yale. "losing this web" and "this elusive, indefinable, opposite of loneliness." This is the feeling, she says, that she was feeling at that moment. Just days before her final breath, her last blink and sigh. "I plan on having fun when I'm old.", Marina writes, and speaks of "what if", "wish I'd" and "if I'd" topics. Things that we ALL have pondered many times. 

Marina goes on to write, "We're so young. We're so young. We're twenty-two years old. We have so much time." But the truth is, Marina did not. 

She ends her essay with "We don't have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I'd say that's how I feel at Yale. How I feel right now. Here. With all of you. In love, impressed, humbled, scared. And we don't have to lose that."

I mentioned earlier another piece of Marina's writing called "Stability in Motion". This is piece she wrote about her first car. Yes, her first car. She had this "relationship", emotional, with her first car. Call her crazy, but I am and was the same way. She describes this car in ways that you would think she had some weird obsession and maybe needed to go see a shrink about it, but it just shows that, to her, it was just about four wheels that got her from home to her best friend's house- it was so much more than that. 

This is how Marina lived her life and that is how I live mine. She had so much more emotion in her life than I would say the average person does. She felt everything and her imagination ran wild. She lived her life. She lived 22 years and she LIVED them. 

Her nonfiction stories are all different, weird, sad, awkward, and inspiring that you would not believe they all came from one mind. But they did and I want to thank Marina so much for this. 

Thank you, Marina, for having an ambitious, wild, fantastic, weird, truthful imagination. 

Now, I know that my blog isn't a "book review" blog, but if I inspired you to read her book, then great. If I bored you, then well, tough luck because you are really missing out.

We are SO YOUNG.

3 F's: Fiance's, Financial's, & Futures!

It has been a long time since I wrote last and I would like to state that more has happened to me since June 2013 since I was brought in to this world. 

1. I bought a house.
2. I met a man. (thanks, Mark Esber.)
3. I fell in love with this man.
4. I moved in with this man.
5. I got engaged to this man. (no, mom, I am not going to die alone!)
6. We combined finances.
7. I am going back to school.

(this is NOT in the order of importance- not to me OR my mother.)


PHEW!

All of this happened to me within 2 months of making the hard decision of moving back to North Canton, OH and leaving my beloved city of Chicago, IL. All of my dreams are coming true when I LEAST EXPECTED and in a city I thought I would never truly find happiness.

I was 23 when I bought the house; TWENTY-THREE PEOPLE! You can too! The feeling is unlike anything else. Sitting in your realtor's office (also, in this case, your realtor is your matchmaker and is the one who introduces you to your future fiance) bored out of your mind because for 2 hours he is talking about mortgages, finances, and land rights, all the while you are thinking about what color you are going to paint your bedroom and what kind of wine you are going to buy to celebrate this huge accomplishment.

I am going to be cliche for a moment, so just bare with me...

Here it goes..

 WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW! 

I am living, breathing, dancing, singing, sleeping proof of this. I met Nathan in July and by September we were basically living together and in November we went ring shopping and in December we were engaged.

I. Just. Knew.

(cue the doves)

We combined our finances (ballsy, we know, we get it) in March and are currently taking a financial class together and it has been the best decision we have made so far. RECOMMENDED PEOPLE!

Oh, and I am going back to school to be an english teacher- score!




Why, Tracy, did you find it necessary to catch us up on your dull life? All 3 of us that read your blog want to read about "important", "fun", and "anything else besides your life" topics. You are right. My fault, but whatever- I am happy, so much has changed, and I felt the need to update the public on all 7 major accomplishments that have occurred to me since the last time I wrote it.



This is the paragraph where I promise to write "daily" or "more"and I want to. I love this blog, I love writing, so I am going to start with writing myself a Post-It that says "BLOG!"



:)

One Person Is All It Takes

I met one incredible lady today who gave me the inspiration and hope I have been searching for for all of my twenty-three years and I must thank God for sending her into my life.

I attended a job-fair this morning where I ran my own booth for the company I work for (Mancan.. look us up)! This lady, Marie, was placed right next to my booth with her own booth representing her cleaning & restroration company. We were both there for the same reason- to advertise our company, gain exposure, and scope out the competition. I had a few people come visit my table, I gave them the information they wre looking for, and they went on to the next table. After about an hour and five visitors later, Marie and I started chatting. It turns out she knows my parents because they have the same type of business as my dad.

Something most people do not know about me is I have a lot of big dreams and hopes. I would love to write a book someday. My friend and I have a plan to maybe one day open a wine bar and although we may just talk about it from time to time, it is something that I am passionate about and hope to actually do one day. I don't know what came over me today, maybe it was the good Lord above, or maybe it was the cup of coffee (my first cup EVER by the way) I just inhalled, or maybe it was just because I was bored and wanted someone to talk to, but I decided to tell this Ms. Marie my dreams and hopes. I was waiting for her to laugh at me, tell me "oh yeah that is cool. OKay, so anyways..." Instead I received a response that shocked me. "You should do that. You CAN do that." And she just went on. I. Was. In. Shock.

Here is a lady who does not know me from Eve and she is telling me how much she believes in me because I seem like the type of girl who can do this and she wants to see me succeed and she would be honored to be a part of that.

For the few minutes we talked and exchanged stories with each other I felt like I could do anything I put my mind to and if you've never experieneced that sensation, you need too. Having someone, even a complete stranger, believe in you is the best feeling. Was I plaed on this earth to have a desk job, help those who need jobs find them and that is it? Maybe, and if that is so then so be it but I want to believe that there are bigger and better things out there for me and no one but myself can stop me from finding out.

Thank you, Marie, for believing in me. You were stranger to  me just a few hours ago and now you will forever be that person who gave me the push I needed. Even if we never meet again, you are someone I will never forget.

Also, if you are reading this-- if you ever need help getting your blog up and running, you have my number! :)

To everyone else that is reading this, to those who have dreams and hopes;  I BELIEVE IN YOU.  I may be a stranger, someone you sat next to you in 10th grade Biology, or even one of your best friends. Whoever you are and wherever you are, I believe in you and want you to go after your dreams like I want to and will go after mine.

Maybe I'm Not Crazy

If you were to meet me and get to know me, one thing you would learn very quickly is that I love to read. Besides writing, reading is one of my other biggest passions. Although, I do believe if you are a writer at heart, you are more likely to be a reader at heart, too. So I guess this may not be a big surprise to, well, anyone!

I love to lose myself in a great novel for awhile. It is like a vacation from my own life. I am not saying my life is miserable or anything, but it is fun to pretend that you are part of this other life. It is brand-new, exciting, scary, happy, sad, etc.

Girls In White Dresses by Jennifer Close

I just finished the first novel by Jennifer Close called "Girls in White Dresses". After reading this book (in 2 days) I thought to myself, "Maybe I'm not crazy." This book is about a group of girlfriends from school (college, high school, etc) that are all in their 20s. They book goes back and fourth and bounces around from girl to girl through out the 291 pages and was definitely hard to get to use to at first, but when I did, I realized that I am not crazy. Here is this author out there in the world writing about thoughts and feelings I have felt before. Thoughts and feelings that I have had that I swore to myself no one else has ever thought or felt.

The girls in the book are just trying to make it in cities such as Chicago, New York, and Boston. They sit back and watch their other friends get engaged, married, have children; all the while they lose their jobs, have one too may hook-ups & break-ups, and share their stories over lots (& lots) of bottles of wine. One girl is stuck in a dead-end job, the other keeps finding Mr. Wrong. One is in law-school who has no time for anything.

It. Is. Real. Life.

It is so hard to find a book that you can actually relate too. Of course I read 50 Shades of Grey, but how many people can actually relate to that? I LOVED the books, do not get me wrong. I lost myself in them and in Twilight and The Hunger Games, but after I was done reading it I was like well that was good. Not real, but good.

It took me only 2 days (thanks Easter Break) to read Girls In White Dresses and after I finished the last page, I found myself wanting to cry. Why? Well, who really knows. Maybe a therapist? It was real. The book may be fiction, but I could finally relate. The main character didn't find her "perfect soulmate" in chapter 2 and he didn't tell her, "I cannot live a single second without you. You are my world. Mine, always and forever." There was none of that BULL**** in this book. I may live for that sappy- hopeless romantic stuff, but let me tell you, IT ISN'T REAL.

Isabella tells Harrison, "I love you." and he responds, "Good to know." THAT IS REAL. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news chicas, but there are more Harrison's in the world than Edwards, Christian's, and Peeta's.

I found a list of books girls in their 20s should read, and that is where I found this book. I am a girl in her 20s, single, blah blah blah. So clearly I will follow this list, and some others.

If you think sometimes you are just crazy to think this, that, and another thing-- read this book. I promise you, it will make you feel less crazy. I am sure you are still crazy (as most girls are) but it'll take off the edge a little. :)

http://www.retreatbyrandomhouse.ca/2012/08/20-books-read-your-20s/